Bad Business. Worse Deals.

We feel really AWFUL. We get ripped off, get the runaround, but never the true rundown. This is a perfect place to rant about bad business.

Gate B47. A traveler, dehydrated and vulnerable. A refrigerated case, glowing like a shrine. One (1) bottle of water: $13.99, plus tax, plus a checkout kiosk that suggested a 25% tip for itself.

“I just stood there,” our survivor recalls. “The bottle said ‘artesian.’ I don’t know what artesian means. At that price, the artesian should carry my luggage.”

Airport officials defended the pricing as “reflecting the unique logistics of retail beyond security,” a phrase our economists translate as “you can’t leave, and we know it.”

The traveler ultimately purchased the water. The kiosk asked him to rate his experience with a smiley face. He chose the middle face. He wanted the angry face. He was afraid of a face-selection fee.

The Awful Deals Editorial Cabal rates this deal: 🔩🔩🔩🔩🔩 (five screws out of five).

In a breakthrough for the fitness-industrial complex, a local gym chain has reportedly perfected the uncancellable membership. Members attempting to leave have been asked to provide, in order: a certified letter, a notarized affidavit, a doctor’s note, a second doctor to vouch for the first doctor, and an in-person appearance during the gym’s cancellation hours (Tuesdays, 3:00–3:15 AM).

“We view cancellation as a journey, not a destination,” said the gym’s Director of Retention, speaking from behind a desk shaped like a wall.

One member who moved overseas reports the gym now bills his childhood home. Another says her plan quietly upgraded itself to “Platinum Legacy” — the legacy being, per the contract, “in perpetuity, throughout the universe, in all formats now known or yet to be invented.”

Asked whether death ends a membership, the Director smiled and slid a pamphlet across the desk. It was titled Estate Fitness: Your Heirs’ Journey Starts Now.

The Awful Deals Editorial Cabal rates this deal: 🔩🔩🔩🔩 (four screws — points deducted because the sauna is, admittedly, nice).

Ticket platforms reached a historic milestone this week with the introduction of the Fee Transparency Fee — a $4.99 charge for the privilege of seeing an itemized list of your other fees.

“Customers demanded transparency,” a spokesperson explained. “Transparency has costs. Mostly the cost of the Fee Transparency Fee, which you can view for $4.99.”

The $45 ticket, after service fee, facility fee, processing fee, delivery fee (for a PDF), and the new meta-fee, now totals $128. Industry analysts describe the pricing structure as “a turducken of audacity.”

The platform has announced next quarter’s innovation: dynamic fees that rise while you watch them, renamed “Excitement Pricing.”

The Awful Deals Editorial Cabal rates this deal: 🔩🔩🔩🔩🔩➕ (five screws and a bolt).