Meet the timeless archetypes of the terrible deal. Any resemblance to someone who has recently charged you a fee is purely inevitable.
Perp #001
🚗 “Let Me Talk To My Manager” Marv
Has never talked to his manager. There is no manager. There is a break room with a mirror. Adds rustproofing to invoices for convertibles.
Threat level: undercoating
Perp #002
💼 Chad From The Timeshare Presentation
Promised you a free breakfast. The breakfast was 4 hours long and legally binding. Still calls on your birthday. Knows when your birthday is. You never told him.
Threat level: ocean view*
Perp #003
📱 The App That Was Free
Free to download. Free to open. $12.99/month to continue past the splash screen. Your data was the down payment.
Threat level: premium tier
Perp #004
🏦 The Fee Sommelier
“Ah yes, an excellent choice — the Overdraft, paired with a Maintenance Fee and just a whisper of Paper Statement Surcharge. Robust. Notes of contempt.”
Threat level: compounding
Perp #005
🎟️ Baron Von Convenience-Fee
Charges you a fee for the convenience of paying him. The alternative to the convenience fee is nothing. There is no alternative. That’s the convenience.
Threat level: per ticket
Perp #006
🤝 Your Buddy With A “Sure Thing”
It’s not a pyramid, it’s a triangle of opportunity. He’s driving a rented Lamborghini to a seminar about abundance. The abundance is his.
Threat level: downline
*View of a poster of the ocean.