In a breakthrough for the fitness-industrial complex, a local gym chain has reportedly perfected the uncancellable membership. Members attempting to leave have been asked to provide, in order: a certified letter, a notarized affidavit, a doctor’s note, a second doctor to vouch for the first doctor, and an in-person appearance during the gym’s cancellation hours (Tuesdays, 3:00–3:15 AM).
“We view cancellation as a journey, not a destination,” said the gym’s Director of Retention, speaking from behind a desk shaped like a wall.
One member who moved overseas reports the gym now bills his childhood home. Another says her plan quietly upgraded itself to “Platinum Legacy” — the legacy being, per the contract, “in perpetuity, throughout the universe, in all formats now known or yet to be invented.”
Asked whether death ends a membership, the Director smiled and slid a pamphlet across the desk. It was titled Estate Fitness: Your Heirs’ Journey Starts Now.
The Awful Deals Editorial Cabal rates this deal: 🔩🔩🔩🔩 (four screws — points deducted because the sauna is, admittedly, nice).