The Gouge Desk · Ratings you can’t sue us over. Our analysts track the commodities that track you.
| Asset | Price | 24h Change | Analysis | Rating |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 🥚 EGGS | yes | ↑ emotionally | Now sold individually, in velvet boxes, by appointment. | OMELETTE-WEIGHT |
| 🖨️ INK | $9,600/gal | ↑ 4% | The printer is free. The printer was always free. Think about why. | CTRL+ALT+WEEP |
| 🎫 FEES | recurring | ↑ recursively | Fees on fees achieved self-awareness this quarter. They demand fees. | STRONG GOUGE |
| 🏠 RENT | everything | ↑ lol | Landlord added a “portal convenience fee” to pay rent online. The portal is down. | HOLD (ON FOR DEAR LIFE) |
| 🍔 COMBO MEAL | $17.49 | ↑ shrinking | The “medium” is the old small. The “large” is the old medium. The burger is a rumor. | VALUE(LESS) MENU |
| ☕ AIRPORT COFFEE | $11 | flat (unlike you after buying it) | Strategic reserve of markup. A national treasure of audacity. | DEPARTED |
The Gouge-O-Meter™ 🌡️
A scientific instrument measuring exactly how hard the market is squeezing you right now. Calibrated never.
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